These last two months of mine have been a blur and swirl of experiences, from this galaxy to the neighboring ones. And while I don’t have the words to describe where I’ve been and what I’ve seen, there’s one tiny snippet that I wanted to attempt to capture in order to share.
I brought my usual way of operating in the world along with me on this adventure. I like routines. I like predictability. I like itineraries. So, of course, all of those came along with me in mental backpack. As I unpacked Moana (my big green backpack – aka home), I unpacked my agenda for each destination. But an interesting thing happened when I got to India. Because of my circumstances, I wasn’t able to do my thing the way I usually do. I became constrained by my environment and at first, I responded to it with the usual thought culprits. “But this is how I like things.” “But this is what I want.” “But this is how I ALWAYS do it.” And then came the feels; agitation, anxiety, frustration.
Then another interesting thing happened. I started to notice myself and my process. Just notice, without trying to do anything at all about it. Now, that is NOT how I usually operate in the world. I’ve been called a doer more than once in life; if something doesn’t seem or feel right, I will do what needs to be done to change it (sometimes even before it’s necessary, which has backfired before). I let myself rest into this unfamiliar position of watching myself on the big screen of my life.
I saw myself like a fish swimming against the stream. And I saw the stream as the Universe (some call this God, the Creator, etc. For me, it’s the force from which everything is created and that which supports everything unconditionally). I realized just how much of me was trying to manage what felt like chaos, but all that managing made me blind to the beauty of the way the stream was flowing. I was that little fish that had her eyes set on her destination but couldn’t trust the stream enough to take her to a destination even more magnificent than the one desired. So, little by little, I stopped struggling and let myself drift.
It came with cascades of tears, countless sleepless nights, and every existential question about existence and why things happen as they do. Eventually, all of this began to fall away and was replaced with my deep seeded belief that the Universe doesn’t ask for us to suffer; suffering is a purely human notion. Suffering is an aspect of ‘good’ and ‘bad’ and the Universe doesn’t operate on such a continuum. So I worked to let my fear be replaced with faith; faith that all that comes my way has been divinely orchestrated for my spiritual growth and I choose not to label it with my human mind as good or bad.
And, my oh my, how exquisite the things I’ve seen. There isn’t a language that can do justice to what it’s been like to let the Universe take me wherever it was I needed to go. Think of a time where everything around you and within you seemed to align and you had that sense of, “I was right where I needed to be in the exact moment that I was supposed to be there.” It’s like that, but on a daily occurrence. I’ve met people and had conversations that cracked open tiny caves within me; visited cities that I never even knew of, but that I recognized having missed them from lifetimes ago. When you fall into the flow more and more regularly, its awfully motivating to keep letting go and see what treasures get laid out in front of you without having to do the backbreaking work of digging for it.