After the brutality of my lonely nights, the idea of being immersed in maternal love sounded like the salve my wounded spirit needed. After a tearful goodbye to the apartment that was my home for the last 4ish years, my clothes and my books as my passengers, I drove to my moms place. I was relieved to not be alone with the most tortured parts of myself any longer, but I felt unanchored. This was the first time in my life that I didn’t have a space that was entirely my own; a privilege that I hadn’t even fully recognized until then.
In December I had bought my big ass backpack and once my ex moved out, I kept it out so that I would see her every day (Yes, she’s a girl, and her name is Moana – shout out to Disney!). I needed to see her every day as a reminder of what I’m signing up to do and once I moved in with my mom, Moana became my reminder that my home will soon be on my back, like a beautifully tough turtle shell.
May became the first month of the beginning of the ends. I wrapped up teaching my last semester, wrapped up my work with my clients, and closed down my office. Most of the time it felt surreal. I would hear myself tell people what I’m doing and it felt like I was describing the plot of a romantic comedy, not my life. And in those dark months, I would so often wonder what the hell I’m doing and fear that I’ve begun the biggest mistake of my life. But as June approached, an interesting reversal took place.
Up until June, deep within, I felt terrified of the decisions I was making, but I knew that I was being compelled by the right thing, so I kept going; and gave myself thousands of silent pep talks along the way. By June, I had an anxious buzz about me, but I was made of still waters within.
June was the end of the ends. I spent time with my closest folks, soaking in as much of their presence as I could, and bottling it within my heart to indulge in during my travels. I ate at my favorite restaurants, went on my favorite hikes and neighborhood walks, and gave my mom extra hugs and kisses. On the lone train ride to the airport, I cried as I passed through the cities that I had grown up in. I whispered to them that I’ll miss them, but will see them soon, and paid them gratitude for the lessons they’d taught me and the love they’d fostered within me.